Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Nice to Make Your Acquaintance

Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am Patrick, my hobbies include long walks on the beach and romantic candlelit dinners. Though I could go on to bore you with should trivialities, but I refrain for I recall many an occasion where those I had just met found themselves drifting in thought as I rambled on about the precipitation (or rather lack thereof for I reside in Arizona). Now living in Arizona presents quite the difficulties, mainly because you have to keep on the constant look out for lynchings. She be a cruel land, but one that hold a bounty of life...

Several years ago when I was a wee lad in the prime of my youth I was quite the little hoodlum. I'd scour the city for opportunities to create mischief like dinging doorbells and fleeing promptly. However, when I left the door of my humble abode one evening a felt an unsettling stir in the pit of my stomach. Recklessly, I put one foot in front of the other and set out into that brave new world and sought out that half-frightened intense feeling.  I thrust my earbuds into my pinnas, and proceeded with my journey into unknown territory.

I had just arrived at the destination of my mile long trek. "SAFEWAY" read the illuminated fixture above. My leisurely walk of Big Lebowski status assured the employees that I was a pretty chill bro and was here on official business. My mindless wander through the maze of isles ended with my eyes pinned with an intense force on the gum in the checkout lines. The explosion of Juicy Fruit in my mouth made my heart melt and knees quake. Mission accomplished... or so it seemed.

The doors opened for me on my way out of the stale-aired store as if I were a god among men. The god of doors. (I later had an internal conversation with myself pertaining to the possibility of a door god). As I rounded the corner in return to my peaceful home where I could find refuge from the frightening world in the web, three large Hispanic men appeared suddenly and violently. They immediately provoked me, calling me holmes and what-not. However, I showed no fear, I knew what I had to do. Acting quickly, I relaxed and calmly analyzed my surroundings and saw my escape. With a heavy swing, I threw my body into a mighty kick of Almighty Thor's envy landing directly into its intended target, the groin of the largest goon. He fell to the ground with a thud and an exasperated wheeze. His cronies tended to him as I continued my route home.

I hurriedly made pace home in desperate need for my safe haven. The ruthless thugs calling me "Que Pasa" and "ese" would surely stop at nothing to end my life. If I only knew some Spanish I could have defused the situation, but alas I took American Sign Language instead and could surely thwart any gang of deaf bullies. Passing the community park, I neared my sparkling house at the end of the perilous road.  Then as I stepped onto the my driveway, I was actually Willy Wonka the entire time.



  1. Sometimes, I wish I were your socks...

  2. Why did I read this, and expect the whole time to end with, "and I was a bear the whole time", or the Bel-air song?